(The following was taken from Laura’s speech at her father’s memorial service)
I am the luckiest girl to have had the Dad that I have! My Dad… my wonderful, extraordinary Dad.
My Dad was really good at loving his kids. From my Dad I have always known unconditional love. He has been the greatest influence in my life. Most of the qualities that people compliment me for have come directly from my Dad. I am very proud to receive those compliments, because I admire Dad so much and I’m glad to possess some of his beautiful qualities.
I am aware that when I do things I sometimes ask myself how my Dad would handle the same situation. I don’t do that out of the need for my Dad’s approval - I already have his unconditional love. I do that because I admire the way my Dad handled things. I also see that my Dad raised his kids to be stronger about some things than he was able to be in his own life. I can see the intention and how deliberate he was about teaching us certain things. I can remember my Dad always saying to me “You are so capable.” “You can become anything you want to be”, “You can achieve anything you set your mind to.”
My Dad would say “Do unto others as you would have done to you.” He liked the quote in ‘Bambi’ where Thumper had said “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”.
Growing up, Dad would take situations in the neighborhood and use them as examples for us. Even when I was too young to really understand, Dad pointed out issues and explained the lessons he wanted us to learn from them. Dad pointed out a neighbor’s excessive drinking, and shared his experience of his own father’s alcoholism. He pointed out a teenager who seemed to always pick boyfriends that she felt sorry for, and cautioned me against that. Dad told me to never expect a person to change. He said to only date a guy that you would want to marry. Dad also told me that people do not have to fight. He told me that fighting is dangerous because it always leaves scars. He pointed out that you can have conversations with someone to discuss and resolve differences without the scars of fighting. He said “Real life is not like t.v. On t.v. they glamorize fighting. In real life, you can never take back the hurtful things that are said.” Dad also said many times, “A woman should never put up with a man that mistreats her”.
My Dad was very proud of his “strong girls”! I think he knew that boys are typically raised to be strong and independent. He was determined to raise strong and independent girls too. His love and steady compliments ensured that.
Though I felt capable, I knew I could count on my Dad to be there to be there if I was ever in need. There was no doubt Dad would offer help and support in any way that he could. He loved us kids more than I have known any children to experience. I hear myself repeating Dad’s words to my own children in my effort to give my children the unconditional love and strong foundation my Dad gave to me.
My Dad was all about LOVE! He was able to love not just his family but co-workers and friends in a way that embraced who they were. Dad saw the good in everyone. So many people have expressed to me just how much my Dad impacted them. I see the gift of my Dad’s gentle presence, his grace, his love and his acknowledgment of the good in all people and situations. He could see the good in things even when at times it seemed like a stretch. Dad had a real innocence, which he fiercely protected by disciplining his thinking. Dad avoided people with negative attitudes. He would tell me that people that are unhappy will try to make you unhappy too. He’d say “misery loves company”, and urged me to stay away from negative people.
I smile at the childlike way my Dad could still experience life. He appreciated a beautiful day, nature, airplanes flying overhead, cows in a pasture. Dad loved to take us on Sunday drives. ANY destination was fun for him. The simplest discovery of a new beautiful area of northern Michigan was a thrill for him. I bet over the years my Dad knew almost every road in those nearby counties he loved. My Dad pointed out scenery, and had us notice the height of the corn from the last time we had passed. He would point out the beauty of the rolling hills, or the uniqueness of an old barn. My Dad taught me to appreciate a beautiful day. Very often in my life I can be anywhere and suddenly be filled with a euphoric feeling of happiness and gratitude for my life. I feel so happy and excited to be alive. It can be triggered by the sun shining, or one beam of light streaming through a break in the rain clouds. It can be the sight of the ocean, or at times, even the busy 405 freeway! This is the gift my Dad gave me, the ability to appreciate and enjoy the simplest everyday things.
I remember Dad holding my hand as we walked together and him saying “Isn’t this a beautiful life?” He said it so often that it convinced me that this is a beautiful life. My Dad always held my hand when I walked next to him. Even as an adult, EVERY TIME I walked next to him, Dad held my hand. I sure will miss holding Dad’s big hand. He’d affectionately say “Hi Honeys” when he’d hear my voice on the phone. I will miss that.
I’ll also miss seeing Dad every time I land or leave my home town airport. Even in my thirties, Dad was at the airport to greet me or to sit with me and talk before I boarded the plane. I remember leaving very, very early in the morning and he was there. I remember arriving at midnight, and Dad waiting there.
When I was very young my Dad was strict. I knew not to talk back to him no matter what! My Dad could say ‘you’re grounded’ and ‘I love you’ in the same breath. It frustrated me that I could never really be too mad at my Dad, because I knew deep inside that he loved me.
It wasn’t until I became an adult that I recognized and appreciated some of Dad’s wonderful and extraordinary qualities. I noticed what a good listener my Dad was. I valued his advice, which he never gave unless I asked for it. As an adult, I can’t think of a single time my Dad told me he disagreed with what I was doing – even though I know at times I did things he would not have done. Dad would only offer his input if I asked specifically for it. He did let me know that he later understood why I had done some things that at first he had concerns about. He acknowledged his understanding and supported me in my action. I imagine my Dad kept quiet about other things he didn’t agree with. My Dad has always loved me for exactly who I am. What a beautiful gift in my life.
Dad was a disciplined man. He was disciplined about his thinking, his faith, his time, his reactions, and what he said. He was very deliberate in speaking. He didn’t engage in gossip. He wouldn’t be a part of talking negative about people. There were very few times in my life that I heard Dad say negative things about anybody. He usually would only point out the great qualities he recognized in the person.
My dad didn’t even let me criticize myself. I remember one time when I was moving from Michigan to California, my Dad was over I was packing. At one point I said “I’m not good about writing”. Dad immediately stated “But Honey, you do other things well!” I remember that so vividly. That was so perfectly my Dad!
Dad was a superb Grandpa. He was good at playing and talking at the grandchildren’s level. He was engaged and genuinely interested in them. He loved to be silly with them also. Grandpa had a fun sense of humor. He wrote letters from his cat ‘Tiger-Boy’ to the grand kids. He would take the time to find pictures of tigers that he could include in his stories from Tiger-Boy.
Grandpa would watch and observe his grandchildren’s personalities. He would point out their strengths to all of us. He really, really loved all his grandchildren. He would so tenderly hold the infants rocking his tall body back and forth, or dancing softly with them. Grandpa would be silly with the toddlers and sit right down on the floor to play with them. Grandpa would ask questions to the school age kids, and let them direct the play – Grandpa would willingly follow along and join their play at their level. Grandpa would get the pre-teen grandchildren talking about whatever they were interested in. He would engage in conversations wholeheartedly and would learn from them. Grandpa was very interested in knowing his grandchildren. He also made sure they knew Grandpa loved them too. I often heard him tell the grand kids how capable they are.
I want to remember the grace and love that my Dad filled his life and relationships with. I’ll always to strive to be more like him. I love him so much and feel incredibly grateful to have experienced him as my Dad.
I love you Dad,
Laura